And i hear symphonies... [entries|friends|calendar] Kris [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(Play for me) [02 Nov 2006|12:04am] Kindred Summary on BookRags

(Play for me) And you don't know... [14 Mar 2006|12:21am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Mood Swings-- Charlotte Church ] ...What I'm going through. Boo to being sick. Not cool at all, specially if it feels like mono. Crazy fever friday night. And no health insurance for Kris. Cool right? Besides that things are cool. School's alright. I really just dont think college is for me. Like seriously, i dont think i'd be a bum or nethin for dropping out, but its just not me. It's not getting any better. I just dont like it. And yea youre not gonna like everything you hafta do in life, but this determines what i do with the rest of my life. I hate when things are so unclear with my future. I really need everything to be clean cut and put right out there on the table and be able to say, yup this is where im going. He still loves me even though im Mono-Kris Thats cool. Definitely Teased me with the idea of coming over tonite Definitely wanted to, but then i took a look at my tonsils and popped another 2 advil and penicillin. I really didnt belong out. I know i didnt, but i still wanted to go. I coulda used a hug. I feel like im gonna turn into a vitamin water or one-a-day, with all the vitamins ive been getting in my system. Definitely like ODed on caffeine pills last week, or "allergic reaction" Whattever you wanna call it. Definitely one of the dumbest things ive done. For serious. Crazy sick, like vomiting, hives, made my eyes all twitchy and instead of helping me stay awake and write my paper, it only made the words start jumbling around on the computer screen. And while i was watching myself type... man, whatta crazy thing. Family is still falling apart. Between family thats in the house, and everyone else. Definitely major falling out. Ive given up on caring. Call me a bad person. Go ahead, wouldnt be the first and without a doubt, not the last. Death and this family dont mix well at all. I heard word around the house that it was his birthday this week or something of that kind. I wanna go see him. Probably during spring break ill take a drive out there. Well i think the sleeping pills are kicking in pretty nicely now so its time to leave. Less than threeeeeeeeee

(Play for me) Thank you... [10 Feb 2006|09:05pm] .... for my sign. Now the next best thing for you to help me with is to make it work... Next entry... Pics of Ireland... BE jealous

(Play for me) [01 Feb 2006|10:29pm] Cancun.... June 23rd Thats where its at :) HeaRd

(Play for me) [31 Jan 2006|12:08am] We grew up fast in a few short years And we littered the path with the tracks of our tears But we carved our names in the proverbial wall And nothing much else really matters at all

(Play for me) Still waiting... [28 Jan 2006|08:48pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Your Glasses--Maria Mena ] ...for that sign to tell me everything is going to be alright. There was an attempt last week, and then a couple days before that, but nothing to really make me feel okay. I like living in my fantasy world, probably not the healthiest choice but its all i have to hope for... Im waiting for the day when my phone rings now and i hear that crazy ringer and just stare at the phone in shock. And now for what he hates most bout me... Life is just spiraling downward at this point Parental relations are not good at all Family relations are not good at all either Money and sisterly relations are quite well. Friend relations quite good as well. Ideas of Cancun @ end of May is good. Moving soon? Yes, once i can control this spending habit... So in that case, i have a while, but doesnt mean i havent been looking. Just sick and tired of the way everything is playing out. Still waiting for that sign... Any day now...

(Play for me) [11 Jan 2006|11:45pm] [ mood | rejected ] When great love is rejected, Something inside a person dies. So all one can do is run away, Where they can meet the person They'll love second most. I wish you nothing but happiness. You'll always be my favorite one.

(Play for me) [11 Jan 2006|01:57am] [ music | Pink Floyd. ] These nights i spend awake until 2 in the morning seriously have to stop. The other night it was okay because i was out at the Christmas party. But being home listening to music alone in my room watching the phone sitting next to me. Everyday that phone doesnt ring, only makes it hurt alittle more everytime. Why do i keep having this notion that youll call. Why would i want you to still call me? Noone understands it either. They just think im crazy. I think love will do that to you sometimes though. These entries are getting repetitive. I wish i knew if you read any of them. Christmas Party was the other night. Indeed one of the top 3 times ive been completely wasted. Everything was awesome, atleast for the most part till the drama kicks in. Ryan is my favorite beer pong partner. You know i was drunk since i actually drank all the beer we played with. I absolutely hate the taste of beer so if i drank it i couldnt even taste it. Everyone said i looked so hot and was bound to snag attention. They were all pretty suprised when i stepped outside with a few of them. Not the precious little Kristina they always expect. I had a nice walk home. It was only like 4 blocks and everyone was mad i walked but i just couldnt get in a car at that point. It allowed me to clear my head. Final average for the semester... 2.16 Im so damn close 3 C+ and one B. One of those C+ should definitely be a B but idk if im really gonna fight it. Next semester im pulling for a 2.8 and id be happy. And with no work during the week it should be attainable. Im gonna go count backwards or something and try to fall asleep seeing that i hafta get up in 5 hours to take Cassie to school and try not to sleep the day away and be a bum. Even though being a bum is sometimes not such a bad thing. I miss my bum.

(1Song | Play for me) My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me..... [04 Jan 2006|11:51pm] I wanna live the fairytale lives that people do on tv. I want all to be forgave in a matter of 30 minutes. The time we spend apart i only want to be for commercial breaks. I want him to come back. I wanna know that he still loves me as much as i love him. I wanna know that he misses me. Me, with all of my silly qualities but also my flaws that make me, me. Me, with my flinstone feet,my extremely blonde moments, and dopey smile. I wanna know that he misses me not only as his girlfriend, but his best friend. I wanna be able to watch movies and listen to songs and still be able to laugh at all the good times. I wanna be able to turn Disney movies into the complete opposite. I wanna feel the way i did down by the docks when i pulled out the ring i thought he'd think was silly. Some days i really wanna get rid of all these memories because they all seem so far behind in the past. But if theyre so far in the past, why am i still hurting so badly. Cassie and i had a conversation today. It made me realize im not ready to move on because im not truly healed. But how am i supposed to heal when everyday i wake up and pray itll be the day he calls and wants to talk. I havent taken the pictures down yet. I keep hoping that i wont ever have to. Or get rid of my Pink Floyd Cd. Or my tinkerbell sweatshirt. Or my Kangol hat. Or my perks of being a wallflower book. And this is how i think every damn day. And i have no clue if you think of me, or even if i cross your mind sometimes. And sometimes i hope you see these entries And sometimes i dont because i dont want you to know that you really did hurt me that much.

(Play for me) [30 Dec 2005|10:56pm] GET OUT OF MY DAMN HEAD! DAMN IT! EVERYTIME I REALLY THINK IM GONNA BE OKAY, THERE YOU ARE AGAIN. IN MY HEAD HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET RID OF IT? ID LOVE TO KNOW YOUR SECRET. YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME PRETTY EASILY. A NEW YEAR ONLY TO BRING MORE HEARTACHE AND SITUATIONS TO TEST MY EMOTIONAL STRENGTH ITS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE IT HAPPENS AGAIN.

(Play for me) [29 Dec 2005|11:40pm] Anyone who can touch you Can hurt you or heal you Anyone who can reach you Can love you or leave you So be gentle...

(Play for me) [13 Dec 2005|12:18am] Well that was interesting... alittle scary, but alright. I guess ill find out how things were in a few days... wow i dont remember the last time i was this anxious.

(Play for me) Better :) [11 Dec 2005|10:10pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | 4ever-- The Veronicas ] So things are definitely getting alittle better. Life is beginning to level out again Things with the parentals is pretty tense right now. Seriously just not feeling the attitude they continue to give my sister and I. But we're "screwed up" so what does it matter? So anyway, last weekend i spent in Aruba with Cassie and Kelly. OMG it was beautiful. Definitely exactly what i needed in order to clear my head and really just calm down. We were at the beach every day for atleast 4 hours. We went on a banana boat ride, and parasailing. We visited all different tourist attractions and stuff too. The best part... The ostrich farm...LMAO I know you are proally really laughin right now but it was so cool We got to feed them and even take pictures sitting on one. Cassie got to ride one of them. Ill load the pictures when i get my desktop back. Thanksgiving was pretty iffy. The family isnt feeling very much like family lately. Cassie and i spent the evening at the movies. I got to go see RENT with Mike right b4 i left, and were going again tomorrow then meeting people at the bar for drinks... should be a fun nite. I actually have obtained my serving position this week. I finish training on Wednesday and will officially be on the floor taking tables on Friday so i expect to see everyone out @ Applebees. School is like this close to being over. I really need a break from it I was hoping to take classes over the winter but after everything that happened over this semester i definitely think that january should just be a time for me to work and just relax. Well i think thats it for now. I just wanted to show that i have regained my sanity and feeling much better. Later Gators.

(1Song | Play for me) Damn it, it just never stops... [25 Nov 2005|10:51pm] My eye has been twitching for a bout 4 or 5 days now. Im turning into something i definitely dont wanna be. I have no ambition to do anything at this point. All i do is sleep. I seriously feel like theres something missing inside me that allows me to be happy. I cry cause i think too much I cry cause i feel like i cant handle nething anymore It just never stops. One minute ill think im fine and that its just one little thing Then that thing will snowball into something so big i just get run over. i dont know how to help myself. I feel like everything is a chore. Like going out to Pearl the other night. It was like yea i cant wait to go out with my girls and hang out with my cousin and then when it came down to it, it was like damn i just dont wanna go newhere, i just wanna crawl into a ball and lay in bed with the lights off and some music on. THATS JUST NOT NORMAL Now all this weekend i was supposed to go out with the girls and go all sorts of places and since theyre not out here really gettin on my ass about going,its like yea lets see what excuse i can make so i wont hafta go. I miss you. I needed to say it, even though you dont care anymore. I think thats what hurts the most, is that you dont even acknowledge im alive anymore. Some days i just dont feel alive.

(Play for me) I cant take it anymore... [21 Nov 2005|05:38pm] I find myself being angry more than half the day lately. Ever since everything happened last week, i feel like i just cant be happy anymore. Not to mention that the love of my life hasnt spoken to me since mid october? I just feel like everything is falling apart. So i went back to school today. Noone cares about what happened. Professors expected me to just snap out of everything and be ready to work with a clear head today. Mom wrote me a note (as corny as that sounds) I mean what else was i supposed to bring to explain my absence. At this point i was better off just forging a friggen doctors note. I felt like they were looking for me to give them a death certificate or something I really think that i am like clinically depressed n whatever. Definitely not looking forward to Thanksgiving this weekend. Anyway. So instead of sitting home drinking myself stupid, as i have done most of last week, i went and drank with the ladies for Lorie's birthday. We had between 5-6 shots each before we left for NuBar. Holy crap i dont remember ever being drunk that bad, except once @ Jess's. At the bar i had 2 more shots i think? One more tequila and a shot of Soco. Remember everything that happened though. Good times good times.

(Play for me) Its over. [15 Nov 2005|11:14pm] I think this has been the longest couple of days of my life. Yesterday was so tiring. It felt like the wake went on forever. I broke down a little bit I tried to be strong for my aunt and she could tell. It ment so much to me and cass when she thanked us for being so strong for her. My cousin Joey was his charasmatic self. Man i love him. He just has so much class and this ora about him. Tommy was dealing with everything through making jokes He told me to go give my uncle a wet willy. At first i just stood there with my mouth wide open thinking "OMG he did not just say that" Then he just hugged me and laughed The "Brooklyn" family was there. That was pretty much a joke Noone ever seems to wanna admit Cass and i are like 19 and 16. We're always Anthony's little girls. WELL YEA! Since the last time you saw me i was 16 and Cass was what? 13? I would imagine so. They tried to be nice so i guess its the thought that counts I just feel like i never grow up. I look at everyone around me and they just keep getting older and i just never achieve that "adult" status Of course everyone asked about school and friends and boyfriends. I was very proud to tell them about all my wonderful sorority sisters and how good theyre taking care of me right now. Even though im all the way out in bumblefuck and theyre in Queens. Today was definitely my worst day. I was sitting in the chapel of the funeral parlor and i watched as my aunt went up to him to say goodbye and how she was hugging him and running her fingers through his hair and i just lost it. I went and sat in the car and just cried my eyes out. I didnt want her to see me like that. Not after she had been so thankful i was strong. The funeral was no better. It was just a reality i was not ready to deal with. I sat in the pew and just imagined the figure i wished was there to comfort me. Im having to say goodbye to too many things this week. I dont want to leave any of them But i know whats best. So im done with school this week Traveling that distance and attending class is a complete waste this week. Ill head back next week and refocus myself on my goals. Right now my schedule seems to be Visiting Richie for his birthday thursday afternoon Sorority thursday nite to see my ladies and collect all of these promised hugs. Friday im working @ night Working Saturday morning Then out for Miss Lorie's birthday with KeLLs and all my other favorite girls <3 Then working Sunday nite. Thanksgiving Eve is gonna be awesome this year... Joey is taking me to some thing he's DJing IM pretty sure Los and Dolan will be there too Its gonna be awesome Drinks all night then Thanksgiving with the family im sure. Atleast thats one perk right?

(2Songs | Play for me) i just dont know anymore!!! [13 Nov 2005|11:41pm] And I'll confess That I can be a little selfish And I'll admit I don't want you to help me through this You know I've tried to call I've IMed you Theres just no other option besides coming to your house. I cant believe you would hurt me like this And yes i really am writing this all online How else am i supposed to show you how i am feeling right now when you wont even return my phone calls! I know im a drama queen I know that my family is ridiculous I know that im selfish, self centered, overdramatic, and demanding at times But if you cared for me, even as a fricken friend, you would have called me. I am absolutely heartbroken at the fact that i told you about my uncle and you couldnt even bother to AT LEAST give me a phone call. What does that say? You know i know things have been shitty between us, but i never thought you'd let me down this much How is it people i havent spoken to in forever have called me atleast to see if im okay. AND YOU CANT EVEN DO THAT. Lets just rip my fucking heart to shreads this week why dont we? Anyone else want to join in the festivities? Lets take away my uncle Then take away my fish which meant so much to me Then add a boyfriend who doesnt bother to call Come on? Lets go Lets just keep pounding on the issues YEA Maybe i am being a fuckin drama queen But maybe if i had just gotten a phone call in the first place, i wouldnt be sitting here like this. i NEVER thought youd hurt me this much. Ive been called a stalker and a drama queen long enough I miss the times when we actually had fun, and youd return my phone calls I am honestly at that point where i just cant take it anymore I have been holding this in and it is ripping me apart I love you so much and you are just that big of a piece of me that i dont want to give you up. But it feels like youve already given me up.... I need help.... Please Help me

(Play for me) So disappointed. [12 Nov 2005|03:15pm] Anger and disappointment are 2 words that have floating through my head all day. Do you understand that i've looked to my right about 25 thousand times since last night and i just continue to see an empty fish tank? It was so upsetting to get up this morning and not see her swimming about looking for me to feed her. I cant believe i havent gotten a phone call. Nothing. My goodness you have no idea how every minute just continues to rip my heart to shreads. I dont wanna go through this by myself. I cant. I really am not going to be as strong as i think i will be able. Once i see my cousins, its going to be just a complete emotional breakdown. Some of the girls wanted to come out but its supposed to be an absolute circus so i really dont want them to see my family that way. I wish he was coming with me though. Wake Monday Funeral Tuesday School Wednesday? Ha, that sounds silly at this point All i can hope for is that God has sent my uncle to a great place and will give me the strength i need this week. Rest In Peace Uncle Billy... I'm sorry.

(2Songs | Play for me) Today is a day I'd like to erase from history... [10 Nov 2005|09:32pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | All We Know-- Paramore ] First off in my last entry, those lighter notes, are no longer lighter notes. My uncle passed away this morning. GBK passed away this evening. Can my day just get any worse? Im so tired right now. I just cant stop the tears Call me overdramatic or whatever the hell you want but my world has been turned upside down today and has been beaten with a 10 foot pole. Ive never had someone that directly connected to me pass away so whoever is reading this, just give me some leeway here. I know i am your typical drama queen who likes to drag out everything to see where it gets me. But today after i found out, i didnt know how i was supposed to react. Was i supposed to go to school? Was i supposed to leave the house? Is it okay for me to laugh? Seriously i honestly dont know what to do with myself. I tried so hard to get the nerve to get to my sorority meeting but i just had nothing left in me. Thank you to everyone that has already shown their support. It means the world to me that i know someone has got me on the brain every now and then.

(1Song | Play for me) Hopelessly Hopeful [07 Nov 2005|10:14pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | Everything--- FeFe Dobson ] So my car rides to and from school can either be really good or really bad. Today, traffic was really good, but me personally, really crappy. I tend to seriouslt drift off alot and do some serious thinking in the car when im by myself. Is it bad when you can relate TV shows to your life? I wish i knew if he really missed me. Of course i am absolutely going crazy about the fact that things are the way they are, but i wish i just knew what was going on, on the other side. I hate that i dont know what the future holds for me. I know what i want to see happen. But what if what i want to happen doesnt happen. Or what if i get thrown a curveball or something I really hate suprises I wish i could just fast forward about 5 years and see whats going on just to give me a heads up. I dont think id be mad that there were no suprises in my life. Well i'd like small suprises but nothing crazy that would throw my world off balance When it comes to my life its like i need to have some sort of track that i know im gonna stick by and its gonna work So what do you do when all of a sudden you hit that dead end Im so far into this that i dont want it to be a dead end Not that its hit that point, but what if it does? How do you make someone or something disappear after that long? Especially if you dont want it to disappear. Ive had to try and think of life without it before and i was a mess So thats what went through my head all day today On a couple of lighter notes. My uncle went in for surgery today. They were able to remove all the cancer and he should be alright. That was a big relief. God forbid things went bad, especially with the holidays right around the corner... Holidays with the Sant's would have been not so great. Ive started my christmas list up and got some really nice gifts in mind for those big people in my life. I seriously think im definitely more excited to give gifts out this year then recieve them. I pretty much buy anything i really need or want since the parentals really have no money to play around with There's nothing i really am like begging for this year The only thing ive got my eye on at this point is a TiVo. That thing is crazy. Ive pretty much got everything planned out for what im buying the family, and some of my sisters and dave and his mom and sister. Im so excited :) GBK looks alot better today I went to Petco and they said old age sounds like its taking a toll on her or something So they gave me this stuff to put in her tank for the week and they said that should get her all back to her usual self. Everyone is trying to tell me its a sign but all i see it as is a sick fish that needs alittle TLC So maybe thats all we really need, alittle TLC for this thing. She's been through everything with me so far, theres no way im losing her now. Same goes with my relationship. I got an 88 on my Psych test i took the other day! Here i come with that 2.5 baby! You'll be seeing me on that executive board sooner or later. You can count on that! The rest of my week is definitely shot Tomorrow ive got school til 3 Then Lorie and I are going back to Queens Center to spend her H&M giftcard and find me a pair of shoes for the party thursday Wednesday im going with the best big sister to see Plain White T's with Simple Plan and i think Straylight Run Thursday is of course my sorority meeting, then we have our party that night Then ive got 3 days of straight doubles. Isnt that spectacular? I know i know. But, it all might pay off in 2 weeks......... We'll see. Ill keep you updated on that issue. Well i think thats enough for today Im gonna go look over some notes CRAZY right? LoL Lorie said thats what smart people do everyday. Isnt she silly? Later Gators

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